i feel tired enough that blogging seems like a huge expenditure of energy, so that’s where i’m at
hope things are going well in my absence, if not, tell me whose shins to kick
love you all
the thing that’s annoying me the most currently about how shitty i feel is that i haven’t had the chance to make any game of thrones gifs
i don’t know what i’d do without you all
out of the hospital.
no discoveries as to the source of these problems.
got more tests scheduled for tomorrow.
today did not go as planned. i’m currently at the hospital which i was brought to in an ambulance because when i arrived at the place where i was supposed to be getting MRIs i had a case of vertigo & headache so bad that i had laid down on the floor and started vomiting with my entire body breaking out in a cold sweat so everyone was trying to give me blankets but i kept telling them no i’m burning up although as it turned out my body temp was too low for the thermometer to measure. i could not move a fraction of an inch from where i was curled up it a fetal position. so when the paramedics arrived they had to lift me up onto the stretcher which i promptly threw up all over. i could not tell when we were moving or not and it took three different anti-nausea medicines before i could stop vomiting everywhere all the time.
i did get my MRI though. and a CT scan. and a lot of saline and drugs and now i get to stay overnight at the hospital.
it’s hard i guess going to see doctors that don’t know you.
the ones who do might at least catch that my 1 1/2 inch grown in roots, faded dye, and about 5 weeks past ‘needed a trim’ hair are all signs of exactly how bad i’m feeling. wearing my pajamas to appointments, chipped nails, unbrushed teeth, unwashed everything, and the fucking acne all over that gets worse everyday probably because i’m stressed out of my head about my lack of control over my own body: my shaking hands, getting vertigo sitting still, migraines so bad i can’t sleep or eat or do anything but lie in the dark wanting to throw up.
too tired to be polite anymore, if you want my fucking 6+ years of medical history than ask my doctor to fax that shit over to you rather than making me recite it over and over again, claustrophobic in your cramped exam room as you ask me to tell you about my voluntary incarceration at the psych ward, asking if i’m okay as i don’t make eye contact, which i wouldn’t do anyway even if i wasn’t 5 seconds away from a panic attack.
this many years in i probably know more then my illness then you do so no i don’t need you to tell me that i should be ‘drinking lots of water!’ i see you snidely hinting when i read through your patient assessment and you say that i ‘claim’ to take my thyroid medication every day as prescribed.
i see my GP practically monthly at this point asshole, i didn’t drag my skinny ass out of bed for shits and giggles because seeing your face is such a goddamn delight that i’m paying for the fucking pleasure. if i’m seeing a specialist that means one of my other doctors recommended it which means i don’t need you to run through the basics for me.
yes i dropped out of high school but that doesn’t mean i’m a witless fool so you don’t need to explain to me in childish metaphors how parts of my body that i’ve read countless medical journals about work.now i’m going to take a fucking shower so i don’t frighten the lab techs at my MRI this afternoon.
this isn’t good news.
i went to see my doctor and he confirmed what i pretty much already figured out, which is that i’m deteriorating.
every neurological symptom i have is getting worse. rapidly. my extremities shake so much it’s almost funny if it wasn’t freaking out every memeber of my family. despite the fact that i’ve increased my physical therapy program, i haven’t put on any muscle mass, in fact, i’m losing it. also weight, despite the fact that i’ve been trying to eat more throughout the constant nausea, i’m pretty much as weak as i’ve ever been.
my doctor is sending me to a neurologist because he’s worried i have something called a chiari malformation. sure, it’s a bit scary, i’d need to have brain surgery, but frankly i’m terrified that i don’t have it.
because at least that can be treated. if i have some type of degenerative nerve disorder then there’s nothing to be done about it and all i have to look forward to is this same path of getting worse and worse and being able to do less and less of anything i enjoy.
untouched-possible replied to your post “there are days where i feel like an exposed nerve, days like…”
is it possible that you have borderline personality disorder? i know i’m all up in erryone’s biz tellin them they have borderline personality disorder but WOW 1. i know this feel and 2. almost every description of borderline sounds like this? but obvs you have many doctors and much therapy and i am not a professional and i don’t know you that well so i don’t mean to offend or anything
no, no don’t worry at all darling. i’m pretty much constantly searching for more ways to explain how i feel and, honestly, most of the time i feel like i don’t have a great handle on myself, so outside perspective is always good.
basically, yes, it is totally possible and i’ve even considered it before. the major problem is that i have so many different problems. so teasing out the root cause of anything is really difficult. especially because a lot of these disorders are comorbid and at this point it’s pretty much like if it exists then i probably have it.
but i have an appointment to see my psychiatrist next week and i think i’m going to bring it up. because i’ve tried to talk about these types of episodes before but i really haven’t been able to communicate how bad they are?
there are days where i feel like an exposed nerve, days like yesterday.
it’s an absolute lack of control and i hate it so much. every emotion happens, irrationally, with no logical input from me.
i don’t know why i get like this and when i do i don’t even know why i feel the way i feel. so i’ll get volatile, snapping at innocuous things. everyone’s words feel cutting and cruel. i’ll go into such emotional distress that all i want to do is throw my body against walls and beat at myself with my own fists.
everything is surface. instantaneous reactions in ways that don’t make sense.
so i ran to my room to hide away from everyone and i sobbed until there was literally a pool of water where my face was pressed to the sheets.
and when my mom came up to me she wanted to know what was wrong? what had happened? and choking through my tears and snot all i could say was nothing. because nothing had happened. no one had done anything. and i didn’t know why i had reacted the way i did. i just had to get away because i couldn’t be around all these variables that were making me do things i didn’t understand.
how could i tell them how not to upset me when i didn’t know what was going wrong. i just knew that everything was crashing down on me.
you have THE MOST PERFECT EYEBROWS. What I would DO for brows like that, lovely, what I would dooo
i straight up conked out aprox. three seconds after posting that picture last night so i didn’t get to see anyone’s sweet replies but this makes me so happy you have no idea.
anyone can attain eyebrow powers. i lucked into decently shaped eyebrows genetically (which is great because i’m way too lazy to do any regular upkeep) but the only reason they look halfway decent lately is because i’ve been experimenting with filling them in and i love it because having dramatic eyebrows gives my signature eyebrow raise of distain a +1 power up.
this set is what i’ve been using because it was recommended to me by a saleswoman at sephora, it’s been decent but i think i’m going to try something else when it runs out. the color’s a good match but it tends to be a little waxy and clumpy so it ends up sticking in certain spots and not others.
rostheriveter replied to your photo “words cannot describe how much i wish i could buy a pair of these for…”
oh my god. I feel like Rosali would totally wear these at trek trek.
literally my second thought upon seeing these (after yesss) was oh my god these would be perfect for when rosali takes her shirt off
words cannot describe how much i wish i could buy a pair of these for every trek trekker